learning to be me

One Friend- Keb’ Mo’

People come and
People go
They take and they give
Build you up
Just to let you down
That’s just the way it is

All I need is one friend
To get me through the day
One friend
That never goes away
Only one friend
To understand
And never let me down

I am so lucky to have this one friend.  She is my heart and soul.  The jelly to my peanut butter.  I really don’t know what I’d without her.  She is the one person that understands me more than anyone else.  She has helped me through the best and worst of times.  Helping me to laugh through the tears.  Holding me close when all I wanted to do was fly away.

Do you have a friend like that?  What have they done for you that no other could?  Tell them how much you appreciate them.  Tell them how much you love them.

So I’ve been missing for a while.  I know, I know.  It’s been really hectic lately.

All my finals were last week.  I ended up with two A’s and two B’s.  I guess I should have worked a little harder to make those B’s into A’s.  But who cares anymore, really?  Cause I’m graduating with honors.  Oh yes, guys…I’m graduating Cum Laude.  I know this may mean nothing to many of you but it means a lot to me.  I guess you could say that school is the only thing I’m really good at.  And unfortunately, I’m not really great at that.  So heres to finals finally being over.  Let’s all have a drink!  Who wants to join me??

On a more serious note.  He’s gone again.  Yep.  He’s off to Maryland for a co-op this summer.  The only thing good about this…is that I’m going to get to join him for a week at the end of June.  Do you realize how excited I am?? A whole week..with S in Maryland!  We’re going to go to New York.  I’ve never been to New York.  Do you guys have any suggestions for me? 

I’ve also been working on the list.  I’m in the middle of watching Star Wars right now.  Quite impressive really.  And I’m hoping to mark off ‘watch a broadway show’ this summer when I go to visit S. 

I can’t wait to hear from you all.  I’ve really missed you.  So tell me what’s up.  Fill me in on all the juicy news.  You’re the best.

It has been told to me on several occasions that I’ve been blessed. 

Let me start from the beginning.  When I was in my teens, I was one of those girls.  I was not like the rest…I hit puberty late.  I was completely flat chested and all the little boys made a point to torture me over it.  On several occasions, I heard the infamous– “Roses are red, violets are black.  Why is your chest as flat as your black?”  I was miserable.  So I began to pray.  Yes, I know- It’s an awful thing to pray to God about.  But come on, I was 15…what do you expect?

But it worked.  One morning, I woke up and well I was ‘blessed.’  And I regret the prayer ever since because it’s been nothing but trouble.  I guess you could say that the problem really isn’t in the size but the way I’m made…well maybe a combination of the two.  Unfortunately, I’m a 32 D and they don’t really make those.  So I have to wear a 34 D.  And honestly this doesn’t work. 

This things just give me so much trouble.  My neck hurts, my back hurts…I can’t wear some really cute shirts and dresses.  It’s freaking hard to find a bathing suit that works.  But you really wanna know what burns me up?  I can’t wear cute bras.  The pretty lacy ones just don’t work with the way I’m made. You feel bad for me, don’t you?

I will admit though…they never let me down at bars.  So I guess I’ll have to live with the rest.  Because my friends say that breast reduction surgery isn’t an option merely because– “That’s like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift”

Okay.  So I seriously had the BEST weekend.  My campus was graced with the campus tour and I must say that it was pretty rocking (but that could be due to the four glasses of cranberry and vodka that I had).  OneRepublic..Fabulous (or something like that.  Sorry guys..I’m not really into rap) and local bands.  I loved it all.

I haven’t had that much fun in so long.  I was that girl.  Oh yes.  The girl that is dancing when there really isn’t any music.  The girl that is flinging her hair everywhere because it’s extra fun (seriously..try it sometime).  I was careless and I’m never careless.  I didn’t care if people were watching and I didn’t care what they thought.  It was the best time.  Seriously..the best time I’ve had in a while. 

There wasn’t a person there that wasn’t my friend.  I didn’t know a stranger.  It was like being seven again and loving everyone. 

I closed my eyes and danced.  I pictured being completely alone.  I imagined that they were singing only to me.  And it was the best feeling in the world. 

This must be repeated.  And soon.

I need your help.

Things haven’t been going well with S for a while now.  I know it’s my fault.  I’ve been scared and distant.  I guess I should explain.

We started dating in July.  It was new and it was wonderful.  Everything was perfect (as it always is at the beginning of a new relationship).  But he then at the end of August he left.  He had to go to Maryland for a Co-op. 

I can still remember when he told me.  I didn’t know what to say.  We had just started dating…we were still getting to know each other.  But I was happy for him.  I wanted him to go…it would be good for him.  That doesn’t mean that it made it hurt any less.

While he was gone, my heart ached.  I would cry myself to sleep sometimes because I missed him so much.  I yearned for him like I have no other person before.  It hurt so bad.  But I found a way to make it stop.  I made myself miss him less..I made myself not want or need him.  It was my way and it worked. 

The trouble with this is… when he came home, I remained this way.  I continued to not want or need him.  And I missed him less and less.  It was like I turned my heart off and never turned it back on. 

And it’s not like this has gone unnoticed.  He can tell.  He’s afraid to touch me.  He’s afraid to kiss me because he doesn’t want me to push him away.  I always push him away.

Last night was the first night that we both faced it.  He said that he was afraid that I didn’t love him anymore.  That wasn’t true. 

“I just turned everything off, S.  I’m afraid you’re going to leave me again.  You always leave me.  And I don’t want to hurt as bad as I did before.  I don’t want to feel that way again.”

Our relationship was so new when he went away.  Something like that…something with no solid foundation  can never withstand that kind of distance. 

I’m supposed to tell him at the end of the month what I want to do.  I don’t know.  I know that I want to be with him.  But I also know that we need to start over.  We need a fresh start.  A new relationship that is given time to grow…one that has a solid foundation built on love and mutual respect.  I know that something like that can only happen with time.  And we just didn’t have enough in the beginning.

He’s going away to Maryland again this summer.  And he’s talking about joining the Air Force when he graduates next May.

I’m not sure how much more my heart can handle.